Feminism Is Not a Fad; It's the Future

I'm male. I'm a feminist. And I'm not perfect either.

Months ago, when the first video of Ray Rice dragging Janay Palmer out of the elevator went public, I watched in denial. "Maybe she got drunk, passed out, and he tried carrying her up to their room," I thought. Then after watching the whole video, I felt like an ass. My only excuse: I was a fan of Ray Rice and desperately hoped that he wasn't a bad guy. Conclusion: I was ignorant.

The problem with men such as myself: we are unbearably slow. Too often, we need to play extra innings in order to arrive at the appropriate responses to situations that concern women. Nevertheless, women tolerate us. We're lucky they do.

The reason for our slowness: we lack control of our emotions. Contradiction to reality, women are the ones typically accused of being overemotional, and this is bullshit.

When confronting mental challenges, men such as myself try swinging a bat at our emotions in hopes to bash out feelings and let logic happen. And like a Hail Mary pass to the endzone, sometimes we get lucky. In fact, I consider luck one of my best virtues, especially when it comes to getting a second chance with women when I don't deserve it.

Notably, women are the ones who manage logic and emotions methodically like quarterbacks leading their teams on long drives. Some women are even capable of doing our thing better than us. You'd think we'd let them do it, and encourage them as well, but we don't because it scares the shit out of us.

Paranoia, fear, anger: these are the emotions (in that order) that give men such as myself problems. We notice the inevitable: women obtaining equality in every field. This change freaks us out. We're paranoid where women's equality will lead, we fear everything we know changing, we get angry every time there's tangible progress. Ray Rice's atrocity was finally handled this week. Regardless of various opinions on the matter, the tone that was dominate in men's responses to the incident was anger (no points awarded for guys who tried to hide anger with amusement and posting things on Facebook like, "Good riddance!").

When it comes to women's equality, where do you draw the line? You don't. You can't. Women will eventually obtain their goal: 50% of everything. They're unstoppable.

My prediction is that we'll be alive to see a lot of big changes in women's equality: a woman president, women priests, and women playing in men's professional sports.

You went, "Pfft," at women playing in men's sports didn't you? (Not you ladies.) Allow me to introduce Mo'ne Davis.

She's not a softball pitcher; she's a baseball pitcher and appears to be the total package. What are the technicalities prohibiting women from playing in men's professional sports leagues? Who the hell knows! But I believe nothing is going to stop Mo'ne Davis and all the other young ladies who got "the stuff" and are well adjusted like she is.

Still poo-pooing my predictions? Whatever.

A realm exists where everything that you say will never ever happen - will happen. It's called the future.

        

Travel Essay: Whittier, AK 2013

Style Imitations

A Fantasy Football Piece for: (a) City Paper, (b) Men's Journal, & (c) The Economist

a. City Paper
Avoid "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Keep You from Getting Tea-bagged

Surly you—my fellow fantasy football druggies—have watched every season of The League witnessing effeminate Andre, soulless Ruxin, and most recently, whiney Kevin all choke in the shaming consolation matchup known as the "Sacko Bowl." Yes, THE SACKO—a bronze dangling ball-sack fit over one's forehead is exactly the right trophy for those who falls in last place. If this loser is you then you need to bounce back next season, or risk inevitably taking on the role of "that puss" who doesn’t know shit about football. We can't have that! So don't waste your time! And don’t' waste your friends', family members', and coworkers' precious time either. Don't flake out with injuries, bye weeks, or not knowing who to start. Everyone hates quitters, as they should, because quitters suck the fun out of everything. Follow my advice in # easy tips and you shan't worry about balls in your face.

1. Don't Get Cute on Draft Day

Don't buy it from assholes that gloat over their picks and insult yours. For example, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha, good luck with that!" Seldom is an entire season dictated by the draft. The matchups must be played! But you can't afford to have an awful draft, so, if your league allows you to auto-pick players—do it! The computer probably knows better than you. If you prefer to pick your own players, fine, but don't get cute—don't take Flacco too early because he's B'more's hero and you just have to win with Cool Joe. Take note: Flacco is typically outside the top 15 for quarterbacks in fantasy football. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups. 

b. Men's Journal

Avoid the Losers Trophy "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Keep You Out of Last Place

FXX's The League epitomizes the passion for those who enjoy fantasy football. Chances are you and your friends play the name game where your match real life buddies with their doppelganger on the show, like the ladies do with Sex and the City, only dejectedly more realistic. Yes, we all have a Taco, and we all have an Andre. But you don't want to slate yourself as the one who owns the "Sacko" (the last-place trophy that accurately resembles its name). Yes—"The Sacko"—the ultimate symbol of shame. This kind of demoralization is fit only for those who are good losers or actually enjoy losing. If losing is not for you then consider your manhood redeemed. This season, don't flake out with injuries, bye weeks, or not knowing who to start. Follow my advice in # easy tips and let the Kevin or Pete or Ruxin in your group embrace The Sacko instead.

1. Don't Get Cute on Draft Day

Ignore the trash talk. Those that gloat over their picks and insult yours are showing off and usually don't know much. Examples, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha. Are you new to this?" Seldom is an entire season dictated by only the draft. You'll have a shot at winning so long as you draft too terribly. If your league allows you to auto-pick players then you may want to consider it. The auto-draft computer knows better than rookies. If you prefer to pick your own players, that's good, but don't get cute—don't take your home-town quarterback too early because he's your hero and you just have to win with him. Take note: quarterbacks ranked outside the top 15 are usually not taken until the 8th or 9th round. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups.

c. The Economist

 Avoiding "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Help You Win

A true indicator of just how popular the frantic hobby of fantasy football has become shows in the popularity of FXX's sitcom The League. The five-year-old obnoxious comedy series cleverly represents those who enjoy the virtual sport on both obsessive and causal levels. The League's characters range from your average know-it-all to the clueless, from an effeminate to a ladies man, and from a submissive married man to his wife who's just like one of the guys. Clearly, if you're one who enjoys fantasy football and absurd comedies, you'll likely relate to the show in an otherworldly way. However, as an actual fantasy football opponent, you'd prefer not to share the status of the character who earns "The Sacko"—The League's last-place trophy. Whether or not your friends' league engages in a shaming ritual as ludicrous as The League's is beside the point. It's simply more fun to win. So don't get frustrated with routine injuries, bye weeks, and not knowing who to start. Follow the advice in these # easy tips and someone else embrace your group's version of The Sacko.     

1. Don't Let Yourself Get Carried Away on Draft Day

Some of those who participate in fantasy football like to overcompensate for their mediocre knowledge of NFL statistics by trash talking. And many of these arrogant individuals will gloat over their picks and attempt to insult yours. For examples, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha. Are you new to this?" Typically, an entire season will not be dictated by the draft itself. Each team owner should have a shot at winning so long as they draft effectively. If your league allows you to auto-pick players then you may want to consider it. The auto-draft computer often selects players better than the average sports fan. If you prefer to pick your own players then do so practically—don't take your home-town quarterback too early just because he's your favorite. Take note: quarterbacks ranked outside the top 15 are usually not taken until the 8th or 9th round. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups.

###

 

Moving: A Personal Essay

Moving

Baltimore, this place won't let me leave. But I refuse to stay here.

My mother, sisters, and I tried Florida years ago. It didn't work out. Moving from a major city to one of the panhandle's smallest towns was too difficult. My mom couldn't get a good job, and I couldn't make friends. My sisters managed better than the two of us but weren't happy either, so we moved back to our corner row home in Highlandtown.

Then I was supposed to move to Los Angeles and live with my dad after finishing middle school. My parents desperately needed to split the parental duties. I was excited to go, imagining how things would be different and interesting. But before I could leave with my dad, my mother insisted that the two of us talk—really talk. So we did. And then we didn't talk again for another two years. So my sisters took my place and moved to L.A. with my dad. They tried their best to live with him in a strange situation, but after just one year they needed to come back.

Other opportunities for me to leave this stinkin' crab cake came and went. I trained in Phoenix for an auto claims job and probably could have managed to move there, or to Austin, TX. That would have been sumthin'! But I needed to lose that job, so I could find one that better suited me and also get my butt back into school. "Ugh, Towson, two and a half more years," I thought at the time.

Now, I'm the last one here. April moved to Pasadena, CA, is married, and has a son. She's a writer too. Erin moved to Phoenix coincidentally, is engaged, and also has a son—his middle name Jan is named after me. My mom was stubborn to leave. She's an artist with a factory-worker mentality, like her dad who worked in the steel mill. I eventually convinced her to retire and move down to Florida to live with her family. That was one of the best things I've ever done for her.

My dad says when you want to leave, you just go! And when you get to the new place, you'll figure things out. His advice often seems crazy to me, but he's the smartest man I know.

My parents did it together—they moved from D.C. to The Windy City. My father went to the Art Institute of Chicago. My mom worked. The judge called my dad a "freeloader" in the courthouse where they got married. I was born there in 1977 during one of the worst blizzards on record. They eventually moved to Baltimore after my dad graduated art school. I was 2.

My cousin Seth did it—moved east and west: Boulder, Annapolis, Fells Point, Frederick, and then back to Boulder where he says he'll likely stay permanently. He's an X-ray tech and also an artist. One of his ideas was to cut up plush toys and sow the parts back together mismatched. His weirdness inspires me.

My friend Kristina did it—moved from Idaho to South Carolina to Pittsburgh then to Baltimore and finally to Anchorage, AK. I visited her in The Last Frontier in August, 2013. I was surprised how quickly she set up and had things going on: friends, jobs, activities, and school. Her confidence is contagious. I wasn’t sure I could handle changing from how things started out with us to just being friends, but I'm glad I did. She opened my eyes.

What is a different place? Is it the scenery? Is it the people? Is it the economics?

At night in Arizona, the temperature goes down. The air is cool. Heat radiates off of objects that have baked in the sun all day. It feels stimulating.

In L.A., every day is the same—sunny—70°. But traffic sucks!

Florida has everything I need. I guess. But it doesn't inspire me.

Colorado has mountains. They're beautiful! I like seeing them off in the distance. I feel excitement in places with mountains. While driving to the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska, Kristina and I pulled over to the side of the highway and filled water bottles from a spout gushing out from the side of a mountain. It was melted snow water. That was refreshing!       

Should I pick a place to move to just because I like freakin' mountains?

That's the plan—Colorado! As soon as I'm done at Towson . . . .

But I need help dealing with the thoughts of this move, so I'm taking those pills again. They make the voice in my head sound a little bit smarter—more helpful. I imagine going back in the past and playing the role of my father to myself when I was 13. I tell that kid, "Stand up straight, tell those boys to shut the fuck up, and kiss any girl you want to."

Ya, things are a little calmer on the pills—easier. Baltimore gets a bad rap. People here are smart. The city is growing. There are jobs. There are single women. We won two Superbowls.
Are people smiling at me because I'm smiling back, or is it the other way around? Two gorgeous women approached me at a pub the other night. One took my number, the other gave me hers. That probably won't go anywhere, but it's promising.

Springtime is coming. You can't beat Charm City in the springtime. That first sip of beer at Camden Yards whispers, "Welcome back buddy." Downtown comes to life. I can sit on Federal Hill and watch boats move around in the harbor for hours.

Always, it tries to fool me. Once I build up the courage to leave, things get better where I am, and I'm never really sure if I should go.

###

Poetry Experiment

So, I'm learning to write a little verse; here are three samples.

-

meeting her at the aquarium

walking through dark rooms
creatures glow in water
observing us through fisheye
we stand, stare, and bloom

displaying nature's bait  
a museum sways desire 
alluring me with moments
she's hoping for a trace

standing amidst the blue
moisture spells the mood
sinking from her lips
we're wet, whirling, attuned

- 

cappuccino girl

presented neat, beautiful, sexy
pick up slowly
blow foam gently
sip delicately
place back down
wait patiently
pick up again
breathe softly
sip repeatedly
over and over
until only drops are left
with dried foam around the edges

-

alaska girl

to the last frontier I must go
to see my friend who likes the snow

she has a plan for us to see
glaciers, trails, and creatures of the sea

I tried my best to come primed
for the type of fun she had in mind

we explored all over and set up camps
where salmon swam, splashed, and danced

there's so much mystery in this unblemished place
like the natural beauty of her face

I'm proud to say, I didn't fall short
this city boy showed plenty of resource

up the mountain, she urged me to haul
and I tried my best not to fall
but I did