Style Imitations

A Fantasy Football Piece for: (a) City Paper, (b) Men's Journal, & (c) The Economist

a. City Paper
Avoid "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Keep You from Getting Tea-bagged

Surly you—my fellow fantasy football druggies—have watched every season of The League witnessing effeminate Andre, soulless Ruxin, and most recently, whiney Kevin all choke in the shaming consolation matchup known as the "Sacko Bowl." Yes, THE SACKO—a bronze dangling ball-sack fit over one's forehead is exactly the right trophy for those who falls in last place. If this loser is you then you need to bounce back next season, or risk inevitably taking on the role of "that puss" who doesn’t know shit about football. We can't have that! So don't waste your time! And don’t' waste your friends', family members', and coworkers' precious time either. Don't flake out with injuries, bye weeks, or not knowing who to start. Everyone hates quitters, as they should, because quitters suck the fun out of everything. Follow my advice in # easy tips and you shan't worry about balls in your face.

1. Don't Get Cute on Draft Day

Don't buy it from assholes that gloat over their picks and insult yours. For example, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha, good luck with that!" Seldom is an entire season dictated by the draft. The matchups must be played! But you can't afford to have an awful draft, so, if your league allows you to auto-pick players—do it! The computer probably knows better than you. If you prefer to pick your own players, fine, but don't get cute—don't take Flacco too early because he's B'more's hero and you just have to win with Cool Joe. Take note: Flacco is typically outside the top 15 for quarterbacks in fantasy football. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups. 

b. Men's Journal

Avoid the Losers Trophy "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Keep You Out of Last Place

FXX's The League epitomizes the passion for those who enjoy fantasy football. Chances are you and your friends play the name game where your match real life buddies with their doppelganger on the show, like the ladies do with Sex and the City, only dejectedly more realistic. Yes, we all have a Taco, and we all have an Andre. But you don't want to slate yourself as the one who owns the "Sacko" (the last-place trophy that accurately resembles its name). Yes—"The Sacko"—the ultimate symbol of shame. This kind of demoralization is fit only for those who are good losers or actually enjoy losing. If losing is not for you then consider your manhood redeemed. This season, don't flake out with injuries, bye weeks, or not knowing who to start. Follow my advice in # easy tips and let the Kevin or Pete or Ruxin in your group embrace The Sacko instead.

1. Don't Get Cute on Draft Day

Ignore the trash talk. Those that gloat over their picks and insult yours are showing off and usually don't know much. Examples, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha. Are you new to this?" Seldom is an entire season dictated by only the draft. You'll have a shot at winning so long as you draft too terribly. If your league allows you to auto-pick players then you may want to consider it. The auto-draft computer knows better than rookies. If you prefer to pick your own players, that's good, but don't get cute—don't take your home-town quarterback too early because he's your hero and you just have to win with him. Take note: quarterbacks ranked outside the top 15 are usually not taken until the 8th or 9th round. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups.

c. The Economist

 Avoiding "The Sacko"

# Easy Fantasy Football Tips that Will Help You Win

A true indicator of just how popular the frantic hobby of fantasy football has become shows in the popularity of FXX's sitcom The League. The five-year-old obnoxious comedy series cleverly represents those who enjoy the virtual sport on both obsessive and causal levels. The League's characters range from your average know-it-all to the clueless, from an effeminate to a ladies man, and from a submissive married man to his wife who's just like one of the guys. Clearly, if you're one who enjoys fantasy football and absurd comedies, you'll likely relate to the show in an otherworldly way. However, as an actual fantasy football opponent, you'd prefer not to share the status of the character who earns "The Sacko"—The League's last-place trophy. Whether or not your friends' league engages in a shaming ritual as ludicrous as The League's is beside the point. It's simply more fun to win. So don't get frustrated with routine injuries, bye weeks, and not knowing who to start. Follow the advice in these # easy tips and someone else embrace your group's version of The Sacko.     

1. Don't Let Yourself Get Carried Away on Draft Day

Some of those who participate in fantasy football like to overcompensate for their mediocre knowledge of NFL statistics by trash talking. And many of these arrogant individuals will gloat over their picks and attempt to insult yours. For examples, "Ehh, I got this whole league locked down, now!" Or, "You're taking Romo, in the 5th round, haha. Are you new to this?" Typically, an entire season will not be dictated by the draft itself. Each team owner should have a shot at winning so long as they draft effectively. If your league allows you to auto-pick players then you may want to consider it. The auto-draft computer often selects players better than the average sports fan. If you prefer to pick your own players then do so practically—don't take your home-town quarterback too early just because he's your favorite. Take note: quarterbacks ranked outside the top 15 are usually not taken until the 8th or 9th round. Make sure you follow player rankings, draft players for every position, and have backups.

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